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innerdarkness
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Country: United States
Gender: Female
Interests: Trying to be like Utena (see above); alternately fucking and unfucking myself up; dreaming, sleeping, missing class; being too lazy to write; listening to soundtracks of my life; Love (learning hurting being losing hoping) ... trying to find a place where I can begin; a center, a pointer, a spark.
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
10/24/2002
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| I'd like to take the time, now, to formally close this xanga with something a little more meaningful than a flippant comment about modern beauty standards and a little humor on geekish escapism (I am certainly not excluded from a little ribbing on the latter).
And so, I give you an excerpt from 'spark', stolen off of (one of) Elaine's blog, originally written by Tom Bukowski:
I knew that I was dying.
something in me said, go ahead, die, sleep, become
them, accept.
then something else in me said, no, save the tiniest
bit.
it needn't be much, just a spark.
a spark can set a whole forest on
fire.
just a spark.
save it.
I think I did.
I'm glad I did.
what a lucky god damned
thing.
~fin | | |
| I just saw an internet ad that had a bright yellow tape measure wrapped around Santa's waist.
If the diet divas get around to convincing us that Santa should be skinny, I'm resigning as a member of the human race.
This is kinda funny because it's kinda true. | | |
| So. *counts days since November 12th post* 25 days since that post. I guess it's too much of a good thing to last. I hate my parents. They just can't make life difficult enough for enough people. It's not enough that they have to make themselves miserable, they have to fuck up my brother too, man, the shit they do to that boy's brain .... shiet, I spent all of last year unfucking myself up and I'm still a fuckin' head case, and now cuz my father's a sorry sod-ass he's got to go crying to a 14-year-old LD boy with serious adolescent problems about his marital problems, how he's been "abused" all these years when really, he's just been too much of a whiny lazy arrogant dumb-ass to stand up to arguments or for what he believes in and expects people to follow him just like that and when they don't he goes crying to everyone who'll listen to him, including his FOURTEEN YEAR OLD SON. I mean how pathetic is that? For a grown man, let alone a 40, 50 something one to confide and bitch and use a TWELVE/FOURTEEN YEAR OLD (that's when he started with me) for counseling, ego squeeze, psychological punchbag and emotional therapy, let alone his OWN SON (who anybody with an ounce of sense knows you shouldn't say these things to your children)?!?! You know what he said to him? He said, "You know, I told you about my problems with Mom, and how I wish I had never married her (i.e., I wish you'd never existed), because I thought I'd get some sympathy from you, but now I know you're just going to get angry...." well duh, stupid.
And my mom ... she's just a head case. She realizes after 20 years of marriage and children she doesn't know 1) what's going on, 2) other people, including the daughter that is 27 years younger than her (how sad is that), know a lot more about what's going on than she does, yet 3) she still condescends and patronizes everyone like some sort of control freak in a CIA world, yet has occasional blow ups that are executed at the worst time and place possible that really shouldn't happen yet instantly forgets about it the second that they're over.
They say that children are likely to repeat the mistakes of their parents. Which is why I'm never having children, and I'm never getting married. The thought that I could turn out like them scares me shitless.
I don't want to talk about this anymore. *Eyes razor* No, can't do that, maybe I'll sit on my hands and distract myself and try to study though how anyone can concentrate under such circumstances is beyond me, or maybe they're just lucky and really hate their parents if I really really hated them it wouldn't hurt so much the things they say and do. Just ignore them and move out and let them kick me out of the house and live the independent life and but my brother ......
*Please God, Something Greater, help me --* | | |
| FUCKIN' HELL.
Look at *this*.
You mean that *I* tried to KILL MYSELF over this crock of HORSE SHIT, that gay youth everywhere are getting depressed, getting kicked out of their house, and killing themselves over this crock of royal bull; and that my (older) friends, my mom, and a WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER PEOPLE are buying into this pig slop so all our lives, gay/bi/straight can be THAT MUCH more MISERABLE?!?!?!
Ay, mi dios.
[edit: interestingly enough the first time I ever cut myself was directly in response to my parents giving an impromptu 2 hour tirade on the sins perversions and monstrousness of homosexuality, just out of the blue like it was the fucking gospel ... let them hate me, like I care] | | |
| Warning: Tornado watch in effect until 6pm......Flood watch this afternoon and evening...
Hmm. Drama, drama, and even more drama. Tornadoes and floods? I thought those only happened in the MidWest and back home in East Asia with the monsoons and the wet season and the rainstorms. I guess I was wrong though. So I missed class today, again. I didn't mean to though ... my alarm did that AM/PM switch thingy again and now, I'm about 1/2 an hour late to OPIM class which isn't one I'm actually taking, so that makes it OK, but is one that I should attend, which makes it not. It would be easier if I knew for sure what time the fucking classes were. Why don't they put it on the webpage?! Make life a little easier for us all.
A note on other things that have been happening ... I've finally ordered my set of Balisongs with the very helpful input of a spatula deity. Hopefully, this time they won't cancel on me, and I'm hoping to have them arrive within a week or so *crosses fingers*. I don't really have anything else to say, really. I guess I just kind of typed here because I was bored. Bored and unproductive. There is no place here where I can sit and study for my upcoming Statistics quiz (tomorrow). And I don't feel like being a bum and spreading out my study materials on the floor outside a classroom. Life is full of little inconveniences like that ... but you know, you would *think* that in a building that cost several billion to make, for a prestigious school such as this one is, they could spend a couple thousand making study rooms on each floor.
But no. It's all flash and dash. Which is probably why I can't stand being here.
Things I will have to miss tonight and tomorrow due to prior commitments:
- Dr. Munoz, Associate Professor for NYU Tisch School of the Arts-- talk on Sex, Gender, and Latina/o Performance. I really wanted to go to this. I know nothing about black/latin culture, especially not how it relates to gender, identity, and popular representation both within and without the community; I would love to know more, and I know better than to trust the media, but can't go. This sucks.
QPenn meeting at the LGBT Center. Same time as above. Does anyone else feels it's strange that they would schedule such a BLATANTLY OBVIOUS conflict in two areas of the same thing? Shiiitt. This pisses me off.
Entrepeneurship Panel (tomorrow). I have a group project meeting halfway through this sso I can't go. Which sucks, because I do want to know more about this because I do have an idea about sustainable development and organized organic agriculture from indigenous communities that I would like to explore further. Maybe I can skip out on the middle.
*Sigh* Whoever devised my school's schedule obviously did not have us indecisive/disorganized/bad time management people in mind. | | |
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